I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. The guy I love.., the only guy I’ve ever completely opened up to, the only person I’ve ever cried in front of, absolutely broke my heart. Shattered it to pieces, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get back to who or whatever I used to be. Even though I took him back and I plaster a fake little smile on my face, I can’t feel happy without going back to that day I found out he was cheating on me. I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore. I’m so unbelievably stressed out, my parents keep taking my money from me like I’m their personal ATM, my job is treating me like a full adult, and that’s great, but I’m not what they want me to be and I can feel it. I’ve lost so many friends that I used to love and spend every second with, that I’m worried its because I’m a terrible person. I try to be open and kind, but I don’t trust anyone. Not even my own family. I’m scared to death I’m going to end up like my parents, sitting on a couch content with letting life pass them by. I want to travel, to see the world. I don’t want to be cooped up in school, wasting my time trying to figure out who I want to be in the future when I have no clue who I am right now. I keep a smile on my face all the time, even though I’m screaming on the inside. I’m hurt, confused, stressed, and just mentally and physically drained…and sometimes…I feel like I just can’t do it anymore.
